I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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