i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
