"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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