Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
