when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
