He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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