I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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