Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
