Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
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He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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