Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
