Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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