i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
operation have a gay friend backfired
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
