he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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