hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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