I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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