it wasn't lemon gatorade
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
