she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
