Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
