Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
