Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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