false alarm. still invincible.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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