my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
