farters have to be the big spoon...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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