he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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