What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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