Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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