I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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