I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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