My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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