I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
