Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
