I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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