Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
