I'm so fucking centered right now
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
