I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
