i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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