a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
