There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
