Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
