Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
