she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
