We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
