i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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