Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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