Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
