I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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