I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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