Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
