listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
