I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
