please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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