I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
