my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
