i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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