I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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