i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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