he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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