i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
