I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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